Hello blog,
I am pretty tired so this will most likely come out all rambly.
Today was a long one, which is really just a continuation of yesterday. I worked last night stocking shelves. In and of itself it is not a terribly difficult job. The product aren't particularly heavy or dirty or unwieldy. I am more in danger of going "grocery blind". It's not quite like snow blindness, which is caused by reflected UV light, although spending the wee hours under florescent lights might come close. It's more of a psychosis that meshes all of the labels into one brightly colored infomatic on the benefits of brand X. It doesn't quite make me a cynical grocery shopper, but it does help me realize that there are near infinite varieties of the same thing that could certainly stand for just one or two. Seriously, a can of corn is a can of corn is a can of corn.
Today was long because I slept maybe 2 hours after getting off of work yesterday and picking up Zoe and Kimmy. Then it was off to work again, then off at 6:00 and on the bus at 7:00 for another round of the day job from which I will head home, make dinner and rush out the door to rehearsal (45 minutes away) until 10:00. This process repeats itself 2-3 times a week, just substitute a show for the rehearsal. The good nights are the ones where I can go to bed right after putting Zoe down at 8:00 and don't have to get up 2-3 hours later. I don't complain though. It just is what it is for as long as it needs to be.
Why do I participate in all of this foolishness? The short answer is "family". I usually tell people it's because I want another baby and the childcare costs are daunting, especially considering the 3 months that Kim will take of unpaid maternity leave (hopefully with some more insurance coverage this time). We need to make sure there's enough in the bank to keep us afloat during that time and afterward with daycare costs effectively doubling for us. That means paying a few loans and whatnot off. That means working lots. Kimmy as well. She's seeing more clients than usual.
So I guess it's the selfish side of me that wants a large family. In order for that to work, Kim (an integral component of the baby making process) has to feel financially secure. I don't blame her. I was in school then just straight up unemployed during the bulk of Zoe's incubation. It was a very stressful time even when I finally found a temp job. She doesn't want to experience that again and I certainly don't want her to either. I do this to give her at least some financial peace of mind. Our problems now are related to time management, but that seems to cause less stress than the money management issues did so I guess/hope it's helping.
I also really want Zoe to have a brother or sister or both. My sister, Jenna, is less than a year younger than me and we were pretty close growing up. I want Zoe to have that opportunity. I don't want her to be too much older than her sibling(s) so they can hang out and play together as they develop. It's just what I'm used to and would prefer.
Another reason is I want a better life for my family, particularly for Kim and Zoe and the kids to come. I want to make sure we can afford our home. I know we don't need the biggest house in the world and we can certainly make do with smaller than what we have, but I want Zoe to have room. I want Kim to have room. I like having room. We crammed ourselves into an apartment for long enough. I want to give my family the best possible living accommodations I can manage. My mom and dad never owned a house while I was growing up, due mainly to dad being in the army. It made for constantly shifting living situations. I wouldn't trade it for the world, but that's not what I want for Zoe. She needs a home. We got her one.
I don't like working as much as I do. I miss my wife and daughter dearly when I have to leave Kim in the bed late at night and I don't get to come home to make Zoe's breakfast, or when I have to take a nap in the evening right after picking Zoe up. That's way harder than all of the weariness. I have be able to provide my family with the things it needs, financially, emotionally, developmentally, etc.
I'm really not trying to sound like a saint or something. I'm just doing the best I can with what I've got. Things are crazy, but I'm happy. I suspect I'll be even happier when I can slow down, but I don't know when that will be so I try not to think on it too much and just be grateful for my family and all that we've accomplished and plan to accomplish.
amen,
Jeremy
No comments:
Post a Comment